Deep Thoughts by an Unqualified Deep Thinker

Due to a rather hardcore dose of German bureaucracy I was left without an Internet connection at home for the past….um….2352 hours. Let’s discuss:

Bright-eyed, happy-go-lucky American werewolf in paris Germany moves from rather funnily shaped 4th floor apartment to first floor roomily shaped apartment. At this point, two copper wires seperated me from freedom. It was these two wires that were to spell certain doom for my summer. I asked the landlord if there were allowed to come along with me but she said no. They were to stay as they were and not leave until a nice man told them they could.

I phoned this nice man….

wait…..how the deuce did I do that? I phoned him from the last person’s line (insert evil laughter) to inform Deutsche Telekom (from here forth: bigD) that I’d moved and would rather much enjoy the same ammenities that I had been previously blessed with. bigD said no problem and through some computer wizardry and EUR 40 changed the line the very same day.

“Simply Amazing!” said I after being amazed by the simplicity.

My ADSL (A Device for Sending LicketysplitInternet) modem told me later that something evil was afoot. Phoning the bigD once again resulted in the following information:

Since bigD is a monopoly in Germany (and that’s legal) they actually rent bandwidth to my Iinternet provider Freenet. This means the switching process is just a tiny bit different for customers who decided against buying D’s crappy expensive Internet.

The steps in all their logical splendor:

1. Cancel Internet account
2. Reorder Internet account
3. Wait for angry letter asking why I cancelled before my contract was fulfilled
4. Send copy of rental agreement to explain why I’d be so stupid as to do 1 & 2

I accomplish steps 1 & 2 and find out in step 3 that, basically, it made a computer somewhere in Freenet’s stronghold explode. They sent me a bill with a negative balance and then charged me positive tax. Hmmmm…… Somewhere down the road (after making several heated phone calls (in 4th grader German (since I’ve only been here since Sept04)) and racking up quite a phone bill (service line costs EUR 1.24 per minute))) I received a letter saying that everything would be ok and they gave me a complimentary tissue.

I wait….

After 4 patient weeks or so I decide that they’re not ever going to do anything and attempt to sign up with Arcor (a company that’s actually able to provide last mile service without getting bigD’s men in black upset). I sign up with Arcor for EUR 50 per month with ISDN + DSL6000 and everything’s looking rosy. They confirm me for the 7th of October and I toast them at supper the following evening. In the next couple of days I receive a letter and a new modem from Freenet This means I (could be|am) in contractual violation in Germany.

Here’s where it gets fun.

I am now in the position where I have an Internet connection at home that I cannot use. If I use it, I’m in contract with Freenet. I must now wait for Arcor to pull the rug out from underneath bigD and Freenet. They don’t. They have a problem pairing my address information with my phone number so they wait.

I don’t wait…..I start using my Freenet account and wait for Arcor’s letter requesting my signature which I will ceremoniously burn.

Ok, that’s it….not so much an entertaining post but it had to be done. I’ve been cleansed and my blog may now return to a normal operating condition!

/me hugs the Internet from Kreuzstr 11 a.k.a. “Hotel Löloff”